Mr. Hooves Origin Story

TL;DR: I am cool and I like words.

My perfect first date would be: I pick you up on my camel. You hesitantly get on the camel after I explain I had to bring him because there was no one to watch him at home.

We ride to the restaurant where they serve bowls that are good for your soul but not for your wallet. We tie the Camel to the parking meter and head inside. You think this is odd but say nothing because you don't want to offend my culture.

Soon we see the meter maid outside struggling to stick the ticket to the camel's nose. He effortlessly blows it off using his big nostrils. I apologize to you and head outside to explain to the meter maid that he can't use money so what would be the point of giving him the ticket. The meter maid hands me the ticket instead and I run away never to be seen again.

Now you are left with two bowls and a camel. A great feeling of excitement takes over you but you play it cool. You calmly finish your bowl and take the other one to the camel. You stroke his head while he gobbles down the bowl in one swoop.

You then get on the camel and head home. As you get closer to your home you can't keep it in any longer and break it to the camel that you love him. It was love at first sight! His soulful eyes, his self-assured gait, and his sensitive nose are too much for you to handle.

Tears fill up the camel's eyes. You don't see them because he is facing forward. Having laid your heart out, you sit silently on the camel. You think you will never find true love. How can a camel understand your feelings?

When he makes the turn on your street the now setting sun reflects off his wet eyes and you realize he feels the same way. You clutch his neck tightly and ask him to take you away. He understands you so much he first leans into your window so you can take the iPhone charger and then you guys ride off into the sunset.


Many years later global warming and Donald Trump Jr VI has turned much of the US into a dessert. A lot of your friends are struggling but your choice of mate has worked out wonderfully. He is not only thriving in the dessert but you guys have a wonderful relationship. You guys often joke about who retains more water. It is so cute!

One day your kids ask you about the framed parking ticket in the living room. So you tell this story excitedly. At that point, the camel smiles with deep contentment. This is the same smile you have cherished all your life. But something seems off. You detect a deep pain in the way his nose twitched when he smiled. So you take one of his hoofs in your hand and stroke it gently.

He tells you it was all planned. He had made the dating profile and hired the good-looking guy to play the date because he thought you would never swipe right on a camel.

He also tells you the only reason he wanted a girlfriend is that it was really hard juggling all the Podcasts he listened to on his long commute. First of all, he had to keep straight which ones he had to listen to end-to-end and which ones were OK to skip. But then one of them would start going downhill so he wanted to skip it but he would feel guilty about not giving it a few more chances. Second, it was really hard to focus when listening at 1x speed so he needed different speeds for each podcast. But when the Podcasts had guests he had to adjust the speed at which each episode played. But then it either worked for the host or the guest. He could never get it right for both of them. Third, some podcasts were so good he wanted to take notes. But he couldn't type fast enough when he sped it up. So he had to slow it down but then it would be so slow he couldn't focus on it.

He thought having a girlfriend would fix all that. He would just hold her hands and listen to her talk instead. No more podcasts. And he we would switch things up so it is always exciting. Sometimes it would be stories first and then hugging. But then at other times, BAM!, it would be hugging and then stories.

You look lovingly into his eyes and tell him why didn't he tell you all this before. You always thought you were boring him with your stories. And you go off about the time when you had to fashion a bra out of coconut shells because you guys had traveled so far without even realizing it…